Nurturing Empathy: The Transformative Impact of my own experience with end-of-life
Alexandra Yaksich, BSc, AHT
Our pets play an integral role in our lives, offering unconditional love, companionship, and plenty of smiles. However, the journey of caring for both our cherished pets and our clients pets’ can be fraught with challenges, especially as they approach the end of their lives. Here I explore my own experience with the profound nature of anticipatory grief and how it has shaped me into a more compassionate, understanding, and empathetic veterinary professional - and how we can all learn from this and find ways to access our compassion to better serve our clients and companions.
I delve into three key aspects; The importance of compassion for clients and the human-animal bond; offering better caregiving advice; and recognizing the importance of bereavement support. Through these key points we can learn to appreciate the multifaceted nature of empathetic veterinary care.
Compassion for Clients and Deep Respect for the Human-Animal Bond
Anticipatory grief refers to the emotional response that individuals experience when anticipating the impending loss of a loved one, in this case, their beloved pets. Essentially, the experience of grief is felt before the loss actually occurs.
Witnessing pet owners grapple with the impending loss of their furry companions has sensitized me to the intricate dynamics of the human-animal relationship, though something I didn’t fully understand until I experienced it myself.
We always say when you work in vet med, you will adopt a lemon. In my case, my own pet was perfectly healthy until he wasn’t. One day, out of nowhere, he became severly lethargic. I brought him to the clinic right away, and his CBC showed severe anemia. At 14 years old, in an otherwise healthy cat, we shot in the dark to test for FIV/FeLV. His test came back positive for leukemia. Given his state, we estimated a few months left for him to live.
Nothing made sense. He was healthy for his entire life. There was no sudden change in the environment. This made it even harder to accept.
During a period where there was so much turmoil in my own life, he was my guardian. He was the one who kept me grounded. How could the world be set up to take him away from me?
These were my initial thoughts. With grief comes a grappling with not only the present moment, but with the reality of the world. It almost forces you to reflect on life itself.
Then he started having seizures. Always in the middle of the night. This made even less sense. I was afraid to sleep in case it continued. I had to seizure-proof my home. It looked like a crazy person’s house - blankets and pillows covering every hard surface, every sharp corner.
Lack of sleep will make everything profoundly worse. It affects your cognitive abilities more than we would like to admit.
I rechecked his bloodwork - normal, aside from anemia. Retested FeLV - negative. Ultrasound, normal. Nothing about this was making any sense, and his condition was worsening. I had to face that I may soon have to let go of what I was holding on so strongly to, and do it without any sense of closure.
When I think about how that experience feels, I have become more empathetic to clients who are hearing difficult news for the first time. It’s challenging to make any kind of decision when one is in this state of mind. Now, I always make sure to let them know that they can take the time they need to process these emotions. To let them know that companion animal grief counselors exist and are available if they need. Not only is there nothing wrong with seeking grief counseling for a companion animal, but that it is strongly encouraged.
Navigating grief alone is like walking through the unknown. It’s better done with guidance, compassion, and support.
We may have seen some version of the stages of grief before, and, as we may know, understanding it on a cognitive level and experiencing it are entirely different.
The practice of accessing memories and deeply understanding how it feels eventually becomes easier in being able to empathize and understand our clients without putting too much of our emotional involvement in the situation.
Clients see and acknowledge this and it often makes the world of difference in their lives. Likewise, by acknowledging the depth of the bond, we can offer not only medical expertise but emotional support as well, creating a more holistic and comforting veterinary experience for both the pets and their guardians.
Caregiving Advice
Through firsthand experience, I have come to understand the nuanced challenges that arise during this delicate phase. Most of the time, near the end, patients are in need of daily medication and monitoring.
To a veterinary professional, this sounds simple. To a pet guardian with no experience in medicating and providing nursing care, this can feel like they’re climbing a mountain.
It’s often the clients’ first time having to pill their cat or give their dog injections at home. We can often overlook the day-to-day stress that can entail for someone, until we have to do it ourselves.
Looking back on tricks of the trade, now is an invaluable time to share that knowledge with clients. For example, instead of administering a pill down the animals throat, try hiding it in a temptation treat (the kind with the soft center) or using Cat-it Creamy or Churro liquid treats to have them lick it from your finger.
It makes the daily experience for both the pet and guardian infinitely better.
My own had to have a course of doxycycline for two months straight. Probably one of the top medications for terrible taste. He is horrible to pill, and the only way I could get him to take it is if we first had a small amount of tuna and water, then I had to cut it in half, small enough that I could disguise it in creamy treats. Even then, it didn’t always work and it ended up causing a fight.
Finally, I was able to find it in a capsule form. This made the world of difference since the capsule has no taste and he would eat the capsule whole as long as it was in a creamy treat. I cannot imagine having to pill him with doxycycline every day for two months. This made both our lives better.
Recognizing the unique needs of each companion animal, we can tailor caregiving advice to address the specific concerns of both the pet and guardian. This personalized approach not only enhances the quality of care provided but also fosters a sense of trust and understanding between the veterinary professional and the client. We are there to guide pet owners in making informed decisions that prioritize the well-being and comfort of their cherished pets during their final moments.
Bereavement Support: Acknowledging the Importance of Grief Counseling
When I think back to my own experience when my little guardian was at death’s door, I wish I had been better prepared to navigate the experience. I could not afford to take time off of work due to all the medical expenses for my cat. When I was at work, I wasn’t fully present, exhausted from lack of sleep and high cortisol levels from the stress. There did not seem to be a way through it all, and I was hanging on by a thread.
What I found particularly interesting is that in some situations, you are expected to behave as if you are functioning at your normal level. It’s expected that you compartmentalize your emotive experience from your professional one. It’s like asking someone with a broken leg to walk it off.
This made me realize we have so far to go as a profession and a society to recognize and not hold shame during periods of cognitive and emotional responses to different aspects of life. We deal with death, euthanasia, and emotional clients on a daily basis and we see that every person reacts differently to any given experience. Even if we don’t have a first hand experience with grief, we see it from across the exam table. If anyone should be advocating for bereavement leave, it should be us.
When I talk to clients about this, we always talk about having good people around you to support you. Even now, not everyone understands the profound impact of the pets in our lives, let alone grief itself, but if you are able to cultivate supportive friends and community, this can truly make the experience of the stages of grief much lighter to bear, especially in the event where one cannot take the time away to process their emotions and experiences.
The transformative impact of grief has truly influenced my perspective on the need for bereavement support services by recognizing the emotional toll that accompanies the loss, or impending loss, of a beloved companion. I have become an advocate for the availability of bereavement leave and grief counseling services for veterinary professionals and pet guardians alike.
Many pet guardians are thankful when I give them a card with pet grief counselors information. It normalizes what they are experiencing as well as affirms it. It lets them know that it’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to reach out for help. Bereavement is a difficult experience to go through, especially when navigating it on our own. Clients may not need it right away, but knowing they have the information available to them eases our hearts and minds.
Furthermore, after-care planning is essential. Many clients do not think about this until the time comes and we have to quickly explain their options at the euthanasia appointment. By gently giving them access to information about after-care planning, they can have the gift of organizing this with some time to think about it. Things like how the body will be transported - either for cremation or burial. The Euthabag is a great option for both. Additionally, poems and drawings can be created on the bag to act as a sigil or items for their companion to take with them on their journey across the rainbow bridge. You can find some resources to share with pet owners here. They even have a quality of life calculator online that can help families assess the best moment to say goodbye. Being able to look over their options and think this through before the time comes is essential for pet parents and brings them so much more ease than deciding during their appointment. Additionally, it helps the grieving process by providing a sense of closure. When the planning is done, they can truly immerse themselves with the time they have left with their companion.
For example, in the days leading up to what I thought was the end, I made a bucket list for my boy, so he could experience all of his favorite things before the time comes. This was our list:
Cheesecake from his favorite restaurant in the neighborhood (his favorite thing in the world).
He will finally find out where the red dot comes from
Time in the sun
The finest catnip
Brush sessions
An abundance of cat grass
Extra-extra cuddle sessions
A new chew toy (even though he only has a few teeth left, it’s his favorite).
This alone made a huge impact on processing and accepting what was happening, and transformed it into a positive experience to go through together. I had also taken the time to consider all of my aftercare options, and had a plan in place for when the time comes.
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The demanding nature of veterinary care often requires professionals to plot a course through emotionally challenging situations, including euthanasia and end-of-life care. Acknowledging and addressing the emotional well-being of veterinary professionals is crucial in maintaining a healthy and sustainable work environment, so we can be there for our clients.
By advocating for and participating in bereavement leave and grief counseling services, we can contribute to a culture that values the mental and emotional health of veterinary professionals, fostering resilience and compassion in the face of difficult situations, a part of our careers that is unique to our field. We need to honor and care for this and for ourselves.
The lessons learned from my experience with grief have enriched my ability to offer nuanced and supportive caregiving advice, tailored to the unique needs of each companion animal. Recognizing the importance of bereavement support services has led me to advocate for the well-being of both pet parents and veterinary professionals, ensuring they have the necessary resources to navigate these emotional challenges. Through these transformative experiences, I continue to evolve as a veterinary professional, dedicated to providing compassionate and comprehensive care to both animals and their human companions.
And, after all, that’s why we’re here.